Valentine’s Day is a hassle. For single people, the 14th of February means societal pressure and judgment by people in committed relationships; for committed people, the day means pressure from one’s significant other. Despite that, having a good time is possible with the right attitude and the right circumstances. With Walpole High School’s 2nd Annual Date Auction, the circumstances presented themselves; and, with the intrepid attitudes of the Rebellion’s crackerjack new team, the attitude presented itself.
Rebellion editors Russell Olllis, Christina Freiberger, and Katie Cavaca submitted themselves to the school-sanctioned humiliation. Their reasons remain unknown— perhaps they wanted to prove their constitutions, perhaps they lost bets, perhaps they need an outlet for their dynamic personalities, perhaps they simply experienced lapses in judgment. Regardless, they agreed to participate. The school was changed forever. Before their monumental night, the editors assessed their fate, in a mostly consensual interview. Their answers were telling, giving insight into the enigmas that constitute their complex personalities.
When asked how they felt about the evening, their responses were of mixed enthusiasm. Freiberger expressed detached humility. She said,“I’m nervous. I’m not sure if anyone will buy me.” Ollis, on the other hand, acted with almost obnoxious confidence. He said, “Oh man, I’m pumped, you know? There are so many possibilities!” Cavaca simply said, “It’s gonna get crazy.”
Next, the editors placed bets on the following evening. Said Freiberger, humbly and ambivalently, “I’m not gonna go for much. Probably 100 StuCo Bucks.” Freiberger was more confident about her predictions for Ollis, though. She said, “I’m 96.2 percent certain that Russell will be purchased by a tall, dark, and handsome man [from Portugal].” As for the remaining predictions, Ollis’s pompous posturing persisted. He said, “I’m basically gonna go for 500 thousand StuCo Bucks… When I’m on my date, she and I will talk about my sweet dance moves, devilish good-looks, and all-around awesomeness.” When asked what he wanted to gain from the evening, he simply said, “Babies. Lots of babies.” Cavaca, who followed, said, “Russell’s a fool. All I can hope for is that someone buys me and that the a night isn’t awkward. Oh and I’m gonna make sure we talk about the Bruins. A lot.”
On the night of the event, the three editors joined 23 other auctionees in the back of the Walpole High School auditorium. There was an attitude of nervous anticipation as all of the seniors involved walked into the crowded auditorium to meet their fate. Some were more nervous than others. Cavaca, who was dressed in a black cocktail dress and designer high heels, said, “Now that it’s here, I’m even more nervous as to what will happen.” Ollis, who arrived dressed in hot pink short-shorts and a baby-Gap tee, said, “This is gonna get real crazy, real fast.” He was not too far from the truth.
The entire night was a blur of poorly executed catwalks, bad jokes, and the most severely uncomfortable dating scenarios imaginable. When their names were called, auctionees would approach the stage to a song of their choosing. Highlights among the entrances included Dan Adorn’s confident strut to The Beegees’s “Stayin’ Alive,” and Grace Lawlor’s intense power-walk to Kelis’s “Milkshake.” Upon reaching the stage, auctionees were questioned briefly by the Student Council advisor, Ms. Kerry MacMenimen. Questions included “What’s your favorite pick-up line?” (“Are you a terrorist?” said Giorgio Sarkis,”‘Cause you da bomb”) and “Which ‘Friends’ character would you date?” (“Ross,” said Rebecca Goula. “He winds up with Jennifer Aniston, so he must be doing something right”).
The three Rebellion editors did not disappoint. Freiberger, the first auctionee of the night, was visibly uncomfortable with her opening spot and practically fainted of relief when junior Michaela Barry, a friend of hers, bid 3,000 StuCo bucks on her. Freiberger and her alternate-lifestyle date were then escorted out of the limelight over to a corner table, where they ate cold pizza and semi-homemade brownies. Shortly after Freiberger sat down, Cavaca began her own strut down the aisle. Though less uncomfortable than Freiberger, Cavaca was uncharacteristically quiet and also appeared relieved when fellow Rebellion staff member Aurora Hebner purchased her. Cavaca said, “If Aurora hadn’t bought me, I might not have talked to her ever again.” It’s a shame that she and Freiberger were purchased so quickly because their discomfort was strangely entertaining.
Ollis was a different story. He was not uncomfortable in the least; if anything, the audience was made uncomfortable by him. His entrance was not so much a catwalk as it was a seduction, and, once on stage, he began a dance routine that is best described as a combination between burlesque and calisthenics. Ms. Mac was both amused and disturbed by his moves. She said, “All right that’s weird. You should probably stop that. No, seriously, stop.” He did not stop.
Ollis only stopped when Freiberger’s prediction about the tall, dark, handsome, Portuguese man came true and Derek Caneja, the Rebellion’s Website Editor and Walpole High’s Resident Counterfeiter, purchased him for over one million StuCo bucks. Caneja’s purchase exposed a flaw in Student Council’s system of StuCo bucks: money was poorly tracked, so Caneja, Andrew Berardinelli, and Luke Witherell (another Rebellion staff member) were able to counterfeit several million of the bucks. The three then took WHS by storm, entering the auditorium with matching fedoras and briefcases full of the fake bucks and buying Ollis, Meghan Murphy, and Adorn, respectively, for a combined total of over three million StuCo bucks.
These would have been the highest bids of the night if Kim Ciardello had not bid three million on her boyfriend Casey McGuill. Ciardello could perhaps have been vying for the world record for “Most Expensive Act of Jealousy,” though one cannot say for certain. Regardless, with Ciardello’s exorbitance, the night ended— much to the relief of the newly formed couples, who had, at this point, run out of both conversation materials and Betty Crocker brownies.
The night was not over, however, for the Rebellion. Shortly after the end of the auction, Freiberger, Cavaca, and Ollis were forced into one last interview, to recap and summarize the evening. In keeping with their earlier tones, Freiberger and Cavaca were unassuming. Freiberger said, “It was awkward there for a minute, but I had a great time overall; I’d absolutely do it again if I had the chance.” Cavaca agreed, and said, “Thank God Aurora bought me. She and I can stay friends now. And I got to talk about the Bruins, so life’s good.”
Ollis also kept with his previous attitude. He said, “I went for the highest bid of the night! Well, except for McGuill, but he doesn’t really count anyway. I think some people were emotionally scarred by my dancing, but I don’t mind. I’d totally do it all again if Ms. Mac would let me. Maybe she will— she was into my moves.”
Ollis’s dancing is, oddly enough, the perfect summary for the night. Strange, awkward, flamboyant, but somehow entertaining. Both the dancing and the Date Auction managed to surpass all normal social boundaries in favor of having a good time. The only better summary than Ollis’s dancing was Freiberger’s closing statement, a statement echoed by numerous attendees: “That was the most fun I’ve had on Valentine’s Day in a while.”
