Remember in elementary school when you begged your parents to bring you to CVS to purchase the coolest Spiderman or Disney Princess Valentines Day cards for all of your classmates and teachers? Not so fun anymore now that we’re in high school, huh? Well, that time has come and passed again: February 14, also known as Valentine’s Day, and better known as a single person’s most dreaded day of the year. However, Walpole High students who aren’t fortunate enough to be involved in a worthwhile high school relationship had no reason to fear this holiday because Student Council was here to help! Or at least, they were here to recommend 16 individuals who may have something in common with you by means of their third annual MatchMaker Survey. Despite the popularity of this survey, the allure of the Matchmaker is primarily entertainment. While some individuals may hold romantic delusions that the outcome of their survey will produce something as successful as the happy couples matched by EHarmony or Match.com, the majority just want to see which random classmates they are most compatible. So, instead of reporting on this event as a straight news story, I wanted to do something entertaining while testing the validity of

the survey. But how?

In order to find out who someone is destined to be with, he or she must first fill out one of the surveys, which were distributed to homerooms the week of January 14. You can also get paid online surveys. The first part of the survey asks students to include information such as their heights, hair colors, and their preferences of these factors pertaining to their ideal matches. The survey continues by inquiring about general characteristics, such as one’s favorite genre of movie, to more unusual facts such as one’s favorite flavor of milkshake. According to the survey, it only takes a few minutes to find one’s soul mate by answering these simple questions. In order to discover if the Matchmaker could actually find one’s perfect match, I decided it would be a good idea to enter a survey, not as myself, but rather as “the perfect man.”

To do so, I had to think about what responses would be similar to those of the perfect man; and, knowing that the idea of a “dream boy” is subjective, I gathered a motley crew of fellow journalizers to assist me in answering the questions of the survey and creating a male relatable to females of different likes and dislikes. With the help of junior Meghan Driscoll, and seniors Kinsey Hirae, Amanda McManus, Lauren Scanlon, and even the volunteered input of senior males Phil Reidy and Jake Moser, I constructed a brown-haired, blue-eyed, 6 foot tall, senior boy. This boy enjoys sports, comedy movies, science class, and would chose the Batmobile over a Mercedes as his dream car. He also is very studious but enjoys spending his free time with his friends.

Now that I had contrived the perfect boy, there were only two things to be done: give him a name and get permission to submit a Matchmaker survey for a fake person. The naming of the boy called for a long discussion with Journalism Advisor, Mr. Conor Cashman — a discussion that began with the debate between making up a name or giving the male a name of a celebrity. A commonly-named “Bob Smith” was suggested, and popular celebrities names such as Zac Efron and Ryan Gosling were thrown around. But a fake name was something anyone could do — a fake name even sounded cliche. We needed to let Walpole High know that our fictitious boy was someone created for fun, but our research process was strictly business. This conclusion led us to only one name: the man, the myth, the legend: James “Bill” Cullinane.

Walpole’s impeccable Cullinane graduated from Walpole High School in 2012  with the titles of Prom King, Class Clown, and Editor-in-Chief of The Rebellion and now attends The University of New Hampshire. In the last year of his participation in the Matchmaker Survey, Cullinane was matched up with a peer (who shall remain nameless) who thought of him, in her words, as “an idiot.” Modestly, Cullinane said, “I may not be the most intelligent, most talented, or the funniest guy out there, but hey, I’ve clearly got the X-factor.” After initially mentioning the option of using Bill’s name, Mr. Cashman and I thought there would be no other name that would come close to comparing because here at The Rebellion we truly believe that James Cullinane embodies perfection.

Next, I had to consult with Ms. Kerry Mcmenimen, Student Council supervisor, to make sure she was okay with the idea of placing a fabricated male into the mix of Matchmaker surveys. This did not take much convincing at all; the mention of Bill’s name generated a hearty chuckle and a “sounds hilarious, go for it” from  Ms. Mac.

In beginning my quest for “Bill’s” sweetheart, my hypothesis was as follows: If Bill’s answers are those of the perfect man, then his number one match’s answers will be those of the perfect woman, leading us to Bill’s ideal match and ultimately what could be considered the most flawless couple since Beyonce and Jay-Z.

After entering the survey, all I had to do was wait for the results to come back. The waiting portion of the research process was the most difficult and nerve-wracking part; but, as soon as the matches went on sale, I paid the two dollars to find out which lucky senior ladies were matched up with “Bill.” And, just as I had predicted, the survey results found the perfect woman and steered me in the direction of the class of 2013’s Michelle Monahan. Michelle is a three-year class president, a member of Student Council and National Honors Society, on the field hockey and basketball team, and a spring track captain. As modestly as Bill, Monahan said, “I don’t think I’m the perfect woman by any means. But I feel extremely humbled and honored to be matched up with Bill. I must be doing something right.”

A few of the other lucky ladies matched up with “Bill” were Student Council President Emma Comiskey and the following 2013 superlative winners: Best Looking, Seana Cofsky; Best Smile, Allison Russo; and Most Social, Erin Richardson. As you can see, the majority of the girls matched up with “Bill” have got something going for them, which further proves my hypothesis.

So there we have it. Although my research process largely just made students uncomfortable (when they saw that their results included the name of a Walpole High alumnus), the process of the humorous Matchmaker Survey has been proven credible!  It works! Some may even say that the survey is the eHarmony service that high school lacks — life leaves teenagers to fend for ourselves, to find a relationship based on who we may happen to have the same schedule as. That is, until the Matchmaker survey came along. I don’t mean to say that I now expect you to ask your number one match to prom or anything, but just know that when you pay your two dollars to receive your results, you definitely have something in common with your 16 matches.