Governor Rod Blagojevich is a politician who knows how to get things done.

Have a bill that needs to be passed? No problem. Blagojevich would recommend making a hefty sum to his campaign, and he’ll make sure it passes. Making a timely contribution is always useful if you’d prefer to avoid any “unpleasantness”. 

Need a little extra cash? Have any Senate seats available? That’s a sure-fire way to make some fast cash! Just be sure to remember you live in the age of wire-tapping. Of course, you can always claim that you never said what was recorded – if nothing else, it’ll certainly confuse everyone.

Don’t like what the media says about you? Well, it sure is easy to get those pesky writers fired. Just politely ask those with the power to do so – and if that doesn’t work, then withhold state assistance. 

Is your campaign fund running low? Who’s got money these days? Better yet, who’s got money that you can extort? You could try the Salvation Army, but that would be immoral. Why not the local Children’s Hospital instead? Threaten to rescind state funding unless they contribute – but be sure to send them a fruit basket at Christmas.

And when things are really looking tough, you can always resort to frugality. For example, try to find a less expensive hairstylist, or maybe get your wife a high-paying job to double your income. 

If you’re still confused and don’t know how to proceed, then Blagojevich would undoubtedly be willing to help – for a small fee, of course.