“So beautiful…” The first two words that are spoken in “Breaking Dawn: Part 2” and quite possibly the most contradictory statement to describe the movie. Part 1 ended with a bloodbath birth scene along with a strange, erotic vampire biting transformation of the precious Bella Swan (K Stewart). And as Edward Cullen (RPatz) murmurs that opening line to his mystifyingly average, recently immortal wife, Bella, the first unintentionally hilarious line of the movie has been exposed.
Bella has finally gotten what she wants in life as a post high school grad. No, not an acceptance letter from any college. No, not even a job. She is finally an immortal, blood-sucking animal with red eyes and even whiter skin than she had before, along with the added bonus of a sparkling complexion. Perhaps it was the dozens of hours Kristen Stewart spent with her newly acquired (and long overdue) acting coach, or maybe it was genuine happiness at the thought of the series ending, but for the first time in the “Twilight” franchise, Bella smiles.
Bella then realizes that she has just given birth to her precious daughter, Renesmee. And as you see the baby, the automatic neck twitch and eye squint immediately ensues because what you see is not a baby: it’s a robot – a very obvious, hideous robot that all the vampires adore. Bella runs to fetch her child and finds out some very peculiar news. Her other lover, werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) has a dirty, grotesque secret to reveal. He tells Bella that he has imprinted on Renesmee, which in werewolf language means, “I fell in love with your daughter when I saw her.” Bella immediately tries out her new vampire strengths and starts impaling on Jacob, and as he tries to convince her that it’s “just a werewolf thing” and not a pedophile thing, Bella doesn’t stop. To make matters worse, Jacob imprudently refers to Renesmee as “Nessie,” making clear references to the Loch Ness Monster. Eventually and unfortunately, Edward impedes on Bella’s bloodlust objectives and then stops her from killing the giant dog. As expected, Bella gets over it, and Jacob is now dubbed Renesmee’s body guard, despite his seemingly pedophilic intentions.
Bella runs around town with hubby, Edward, nearby as she gallivants through the forest, jumping from tree to tree at speeds us mere mortals could never comprehend. As it is her first week as a vampire, Edward and the rest of his vampire family must teach her how to become a vegetarian, that is, only eating animals, and not humans. Edward lets Bella off her leash and as she dashes off, she starts sprinting up a mountainside like a Madagascar Day Gecko to catch a rock climber. Edward attempts to stop his wife, but instead watches the show, as if it were a dramatic comedy and nobody’s life was at stake. Bella ferociously hurls herself up the mountain in a dress. If only the climber looked down to see what was coming after him. Pure comedic genius.
Now, to the meat of the story. Some low-life Cullen cousin tattle-tales on Bella and Edward to the vampire government, the Volturi, and tells them that they have created a demon child. Now, these children are a serious matter; at a young age they are capable to wipe out a whole civilization with one cry.
The Volturi slowly rushes over to see if this demon baby actually exists, but the Cullens are very aware that Renesmee is in fact not what they accuse her of being, due to the fact that Bella gave birth to her when she was still mortal (and they had researched vampire/human hybrids on Google during part 1, don’t worry.) A true miracle. To prove their innocence, the Cullens come up with a genius plan. First off, Alice (Ashley Greene) and Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) bail on the family and disappear, just like Edward did in “New Moon.” The rest of the family goes and visits all of their vampire friends and shows them that Renesmee is not a demon. Half mortal, half vampire, full redheaded Renesmee is herded around the country to meet a dozen other funny looking blood suckers in order to stop a war against the Volturi. The Cullens manage to gather a group of vamps and a pack of Jacob’s werewolf friends that are willing to defend their innocence.
The two groups, the Volturi and the Cullen & Co. meet up in an open, snowy field. And finally, Alice and Jasper conveniently arrive without any explanation of where they have been. The Volturi slowly approaches the opposing side in cloaks that are Italian Renaissance meets a Michael Jackson music video style. The leader of the Volturi meets Renesmee and does, indeed, agree that she is no demon child, but he is still unsure of how to handle her. So a war starts. By the way: the only way to kill a vampire is by ripping its head off and then setting it on fire. Heads are flying all over the place, main characters die, werewolves give their last cry, the Volturi is killed, the Cullen clan reigns victorious. The most satisfying ending in “Twilight” history… Until they reveal that whole war scene is just an image of what would’ve happened if they actually went to war. Out of nowhere, Alice introduces some Brazilian natives, who casually mention that they know (from first hand experience) that Renesmee poses no threat and will probably turn out to be a pretty cool chick. When the Volturi sees this, they give up the fight. The war was the best scene in all of the “Twilight” franchise and it didn’t even happen. Once again, and for the last time, the fantasy romance saga, “Twilight” is a let down.
