HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO—

Thanks to TLC’s new spin-off series “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” Alana Thompson may be the most famous seven year old in America. The fame is greatly attributed to Alana’s instant internet popularity, as social media users nationwide had a field day blogging pictures, posting videos, and creating animated gifs of scenes from the rambunctious pageant princess’ new show. However, the quality of a series is not decided by trending topics or a starlet’s impressive gif-ability, and even Alana lovers everywhere must recognize the utter stupidity of “Honey Boo Boo.” The show is terrible, as the majority of each episode is simply footage of her family sprawled across a couch eating food, “Mama” belching or flatulating, and Alana trying on pageant clothes. An occasional trip to the local “Piggly Wiggly” grocery store for a session of extreme couponing adds some much needed variety to the boring series, yet the plot deviation adds little overall excitement. The only explanation for the consistently high viewer count is the reality that Americans are thoroughly amazed and somewhat enthralled by the sheer foolishness and ignorance of the family. No matter how much viewers despise the show, they are unable to change the channel, for they simply cannot fathom just how pointless “Honey Boo Boo” is. The show is an insult to not only southerners, but to all of America. It is rude, disturbing, a fine example of cheap entertainment, and a terrible waste of valuable brain cells. With a mix of Pixie Stix and  “Go-Go Juice” coursing through her veins, Alana and her unyielding energy give viewers headaches, as it is truly dizzying to watch the child run around in circles while dispensing ridiculous one-liners and random bouts of sass. Despite its extreme popularity, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” is far from being considered a “good show;” rather, it has gained global attention precisely because it is so terrible. If anyone is still having a difficult time “redneckognizing” the show’s stupidity, they must consider the following: what award-winning, quality television series has ever needed to provide English subtitles for English dialogue expressed by American characters?

PARTNERS—

The age-old quest to appease the masses with television shows that coincide with the ever-changing times is certainly the downfall of CBS’ newest original comedy, “Partners.” From the makers of the timeless series “Will and Grace,” “Partners” is a painfully humor-less series about four people who form three couples: best friends since childhood Louis and Joe, married couple Joe and Ali, and gay couple Louis and Wyatt. Creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick take yet another stab at homosexual hijinx; however, unlike its critically acclaimed predecessor, “Partners” is a step in the wrong direction for CBS. Contrary to its intention, the show’s same-sex-centered plotline fails to be politically correct; rather, the gay character’s overblown ego and excessive use of hand gestures to augment his dialogue is counterproductive, as it establishes an unfavorable and somewhat offensive stereotype. The lack of genuine comedy is evident, as even the pre-recorded laugh tracks seem forced and unnatural. Lines are delivered awkwardly, and the actors are terrible, for each somehow believes that overdramatic body language can compensate for the dialogue’s obvious lack of hilarity. In conclusion, “Partners” exhibits a drastic regression in the once-present quality of CBS shows, and the attempt to win over viewers with a homosexual couple destroys any credibility gained by the success of “Will and Grace.” Using cheap jokes to get cheap laughs, “Partners” leaves America wondering what ever happened to quality television.

THE NEIGHBORS—

What happens when a network runs out of ideas to form the basis of a show? For some inexplicable reason, ABC chose the classic “man meets alien” plotline for their newest “comedy”—a term that is certainly used loosely, as the only laughs evoked are viewers’ reaction to the sheer stupidity and meaningless dialogue of the show. From the minds of ABC’s Emmy-Award-Winning writers comes “The Neighbors,” a series that is quite possibly the worst show that has ever existed. Soon after moving into a picture-perfect gated community, Marty Weaver and his family realize that they are living among Martians disguised as regular human beings. Upon this realization, the talentless brood of actors release discordant and unconvincing screams of terror as they stare at their neighbors in their natural form— a form that, in this case, is a terrible interpretation of the stereotypical, mucus-green aliens that only highlights the utter lack of imagination in the show’s special effects department. Despite the potential threat that living amongst a litter of unpredictable and most likely dangerous aliens poses, the weavers decide to stay put and try to surmount the obstacles presented by sharing a neighborhood with hundreds of alien life forms. Besides, what could go wrong? With a time slot directly following that of comedic masterpiece Modern Family, “The Neighbors” is certainly not worthy of being aired on as well-respected a network as ABC. Shortly after becoming a part of the ABC lineup, the show will certainly be evicted before a second season is made, forcing “The Neighbors” to move out—ASAP!

DUETS—

This spring, ABC took yet another swing at an American favorite: the ever-popular singing competition. After the network’s massively successful series “American Idol” began to lose hype by the end of its 10^th season, ABC introduced “Duets,” a new reality series about real people performing—what a surprise—duets. Alongside deadbeat artists who no one remembers, contestants participate in the most pointless ballad battle in history. The only attention-grabbing aspect of the series is the participation of first-ever “Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson— an element of the series with a predictably short-lived excitement. The collaborations were awkward and the voices did not mesh well together. Simply adding to the already overwhelming amount of singing-related competitions, “Duets” possesses an unfortunately cheap karaoke-party atmosphere when compared to imaginative and popular series like “The X Factor” and “The Voice.”

GUYS WITH KIDS—

“Guys With Kids,” comedian Jimmy Fallon’s newest brainchild, may prove to be the most self explanatory show of the decade—the series is comprised of a single plotline: the hectic lives of guys with kids. In a failed attempt to humor the nation, the series assumes the hackneyed sexist stereotype that men do not have a clue when it comes to raising a child. The show exhibits the three very different lives of Gary, a stay-at-home- father of four; Chris, a newly single dad; and Nick, the working man-of-the-house. With babies strapped securely in their carries, the men are ready to take on the world—or more specifically life’s everyday issues like financial troubles, relationship problems, and the occasional dirty diaper. The show’s simple plot and nauseatingly cheesy dialogue makes for a terrible series and an utter waste of time.  Chris exploits his baby in order to score dates. Gary’s sarcasm and tendency to complain about his children and boring life get very old very quickly. The jokes are awkwardly delivered, and the lack of originality drives viewers to want to change the channel rather than continue to watch such idiocy.  Fallon has let his fans down with “Guys With Kids,” as the public certainly expected more out of his new NBC comedy. So, will the dads survive the daunting task of fatherhood? The nonexistent suspense and disappointing lack of humor is killing us all.