How to Survive the Holidays: Helpful Quotes from Christmas Classics


Hannah McLaughlin


It’s the most wonderful time of the year— for some people, that is. Sure, you get to spend time with your family, eat gingerbread cookies like there’s no tomorrow, and secretly blast Christmas songs in your car when driving alone. However, it is also a time to hit the mall and spend hundreds of dollars on relatives you haven’t seen since last December. A time to deck the halls and find the perfect tree. Everyone knows that with the holidays comes overwhelming stress and frustration. This holiday season, let some of your favorite Christmas movie characters alleviate some of the stress. With memorable quotes to suit every awkward or frustrating holiday situation, fan favorites like Kevin McCallister and Buddy the Elf offer hilarious one-liners that can easily be applied to your hectic holiday life. So sit back, relax, and let some Christmas classics do the talking.

Holiday Shopping Excursions:

1. Are obnoxious salesclerks giving you attitude? Send sass their way after purchasing your items:

“Keep the change, ya filthy animal!”-Johnny, “Home Alone”


2. Smart  holiday shoppers always ensure the gifts they give are of the utmost quality:

“Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? Well, could you please find out?”- Kevin McCallister, “Home Alone”


3. Pining for gift ideas? We understand that the quest to find the perfect gift can be a bit frustrating, and exasperated shoppers are liable to become slightly delusional:

“What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That’s a pretty good idea. I’ll give you the moon, Mary.”-George Bailey, “It’s a Wonderful Life”


4. Fatigued and cranky, most shoppers take a short reprieve from the stress of finding the perfect gift. Perhaps a chat with Mall Santa will put the spring back in your step! However, impersonators never do the real St. Nick justice, and bad acting combined with a shopper’s easily irascible attitude rarely makes for a merry encounter:

” You sit on a throne of lies. You stink. You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.”- Buddy, “Elf”

Holiday Preparations

1. The dreaded task of creating a family Christmas card rears its ugly head once again. Getting your kids to cooperate and pretend they know each other for just one picture is one thing; getting your christmas-clad dog to behave is quite another:

“All right, you’re a reindeer. Here’s your motivation: Your name is Rudolph, you’re a freak with a red nose, and no one likes you. Then, one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. No, forget that part. We’ll improvise… just keep it kind of loosey-goosey. You HATE Christmas! You’re gonna steal it. Saving Christmas is a lousy ending, way too commercial. ACTION!”-The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”


2. After four solid hours of untangling and wrestling a knot of christmas lights, your masterpiece is finally finished! You feel as if you can take on the world— that is, with a little help from your over-the-counter companion:

“Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?”- Clark Griswold, “Christmas Vacation”


3. After a day that consists solely of wrapping, labeling, and consuming copious amounts of caffeine, every present is wrapped and grinchready. The adrenaline rush you experience may cause your sanity to deteriorate, and you soon find yourself fueled with ambitious overconfidence:

“I know what I’m gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. I’m shakin’ the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, I’m comin’ back here and go to college and see what they know… And then I’m gonna build things. I’m gonna build airfields, I’m gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I’m gonna build bridges a mile long…” – George Bailey, “It’s a Wonderful Life”

Holiday Parties

1. So your invitation to your neighbor’s annual holiday bash was mysteriously “lost in the mail” yet again? Feeling rather deflated and unimportant, you sulk around the house until you receive a pity invite from you ex-favorite neighbors. Perhaps a bit too eagerly, you accept the offer:

“The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there – on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me – I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing… I’m booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?”- The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”


2. What would a holiday party be without mistletoe? You spy your crush out of the corner of your eye and contrive a plan to casually stroll beneath the decoration. Unfortunately for you, your love interest is a tad bit smarter than you would have hoped, as they foil your plan and respectfully reject your affection. Claiming they “aren’t into that sort of thing,” your crush is obviously lying. Irate, you exclaim:

“Don’t gimme that. You been smoochin’ with everybody! Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Bony Bob, Cliff… I could go on forever, baby!”-Johnny, “Home Alone 2”


3. It’s 1:00 in the morning and your friends and family still haven’t left your house? No fear, all they need is a subtle hint to get them moving:

“I’m gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property”-Johnny, “Home Alone

Holiday Break

1. No plans for Christmas break? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered:

“First we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookie-dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.”- Buddy, “Elf”


2. Sticking to a healthy diet— especially during the holiday season— can seem like an impossible task. However, if you have strength and will power, the food pyramid may not seem as daunting as you thought:

“We elves like to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.”-Buddy, “Elf”


1. When receiving gifts, always handle packages with care. You never know, the contents could be glass (or a life-size leg lamp, whatever floats your boat):

“Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.”-The Old Man/Mr. Parker, “A Christmas Story”


2. We love our relatives; however, what we don’t love is their fashion sense:

“Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl. Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared supply up at me”-Ralphie, “A Christmas Story.” 


3. Didn’t get a what you wanted for Christmas? Look for a silver lining in the gifts you did receive:

“It’s a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.” “Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.”-Cark, Eddie, “Christmas Vacation”



1. Hosting Christmas dinner is certainly an overwhelming undertaking, especially when having to deal with quarrelsome relatives. Keeping the peace on Christmas is easier said than done:elf

“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse”. – Clark Griswold, “Christmas Vacation”


2. It’s your turn to say grace. In the heat of the moment, overwhelmed by the feast in front of you and the pressure of reciting it perfectly for your family, you draw a blank and cannot remember your own first name, let alone the blessing. DO NOT PANIC. Simply recite a nursery rhyme, poem, etc. and hope no one notices:

 “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” “Amen.”- Aunt Bethany, Clark Griswold, “Christmas Vacation”


3.Amidst all the holiday cheer, there is bound to be one bah-humbug uncle dishing out complaints and insults. To lighten the mood, compare him to a Christmas elf… everyone loves elves!

“Does Santa Know that you left the workshop? Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here? (turning to another partygoer) He’s an angry elf. He must be a South Pole Elf.”- Buddy, “Elf”